ki-ki

or the butch-femme

me was

Twelve years ago, when I entered gay life through a swinging door, the first question asked whether I was "butch" or "femme." I didn't like the sound of the question -but I had to ask for definitions before I knew that I really didn't like the sound of the question.

The question, so worded, usually carried with it an implied threat that you'd better be one or the other or be socially ostracized in the gay group of that time and place.

What was a butch? Well, theoretically, it appeared that the butch was the 'head of the household'-wore the pants and generally imitated her concept of what a man should be. The femme was stuck with this. She was supposed to be the passive, feminine counterpart. She was supposed to look and act feminine in public as well as be the 'receiver of love' in the bedroom.

Very interesting, as though life weren't hard enough already. If I'd wanted a man, I'd have married one. "How about being both?" I asked innocently. Consternation horror. "Good Heavens, Sten, you're not serious? You must not know what you're saying. Don't let anyone think

you can't make up your mind. That's Ki-Ki.* That's almost as bad as being bisexual."

I felt cut up three ways. Almost as bad as being bisexual! Good God! I wanted to be a part of this? Why? I wondered why? But I knew the answer to that question before I thought it. Why? Because these were my people. I smiled a crooked smile. Right or wrong they were mine and I had finally found a bad social condition I could not flee. I was so tired of always being in the minority, always the odd-ball, always the outcast. Just once in my life to be accepted for what I was, without pretense: that was what I wanted. I had admitted to myself I was homosexual in a mind-shaking and Lifegiving experience. What more was required of me? The impossible demand that I ignore or repress one or more sides of that homosexual nature? Very well, I tried. For some months I tried to fulfill the full time role of a butch. It didn't come off too well and furthermore, I was not attracted to dependent, leeching, parasitic femmes. Even those who

*Ki-Ki: Pronounced-Kigh-Kigh.

one

by Sten Russell